How to give a Cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and gently hold in recumbent position between your upper
left arm and body, it's head grasped by your left hand. Position left forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gebtly apply pressure to cheeks
whilst holding pill in right hand. as cat opens mouth, pop the pill in. Allow
the cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Hold cat more firmly
under left arm and try the same procedure again.
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3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle the cat firmly in left arm, this time with
head toward forearm as if holding a baby. Hold rear paws and tail tightly with
the left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Staunch bleeding and apply band-aid to deept scratches on left hand, retrieve
pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife in from garden
and ask her to assist. Assure her again about not being necessary to take the cat
to vet for such a simple procedure.

6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees. Hold front and
rear paws firmly. ignore low menacing growls from cat. Get wife to hold
cat's head firmly with one hand. Insert ruler into cat's mouth drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7. Apply more band-aids and retrieve cat from curtain rail.Get another pill from
foil wrap. Make mental note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Sweep shattered Royal Doulton figurines from hearth, console
distraught wife and consult household insurance policy for claim
information.

8. Wrap cat in large thick towel and get wife to lay on top of cat so it's head is just
visible below her armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force cat's mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label on box to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a large
glass of water to get rid of the vile taste. Apply band-aids to wife's upper arm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Apologies again to wife for
swearing and assure her you do like cats.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard
and close door on neck to leave it's head showing. Keep a firm pressure on the
cupboard door with knee, force cat's mouth open with handle of tablespoon
Get wife to flick pill down cat's throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to gash on chest and check medical reciepts for date of last tetanus
shot. throw out ripped and bloodied T-shirt and get new one from bedroom.
Apologise to sobbing wife for totally unwarranted remarks about women
and plead tempory insanity caused by cat's violant attack.

12. Ring fire brigade and retrieve cat from tree accross road. Apologise to
neighbour who crashed his car into fence whilst avoiding cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's paws, bind tightly to dining room table leg. Find heavy duty
pruning gloves, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into
mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's head back and
keeping spanner in mouth, pour half a carton of milk to wash pill down.

14. Try to calm wife, agree to see marriage counseller and get her to drive you
to emergency room at local hospital. Sit quietly whilst doctor stitches
forearm and removes pill fragments from your right eye. Stop by
furniture store on the way home to order new table and book carpet in for
steam cleaning.

15. Reort cat's dissapearance to RSPCA and ask them to arrange a new home
for cat if found. Ring wife at her mother's to ask how she is. Check freezer
for TV dinners.